I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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