it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
