when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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