Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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