I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
