so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
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I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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