They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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