david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
