i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I want her autograph on my taint
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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