So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
