just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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