I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
