Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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