get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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