Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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