I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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