apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
