Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
