He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
