im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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