Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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