In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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