You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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