Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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