see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
