Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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