can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
