did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
