so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
