I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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