Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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