I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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