We're facebook friends in real life
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We had sex on a dog bed..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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