yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
