I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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