my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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