I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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