it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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