3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
