My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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