Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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