His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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