Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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