She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
