while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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