so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
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I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
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I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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