man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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