tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
