Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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