that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
