I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
