i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
