I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
