i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
