My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I supernannyed him into submission
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
