I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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