True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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