Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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