i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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